Mental Health - When your brain gets in the way!

During my time as an artist and illustrator, as well as in my life, I've struggled with things that have made it difficult to cope or made me come close to giving up entirely. And when I've talked to other artists I discovered that for the most part they also struggle with the same things, Either mental health issues or insecurities with creating art. And during that time I've undertaken a lot of therapy and counselling, done a lot of self reflection and research and received a lot of help and despite the subject being a little heavy I thought that my experiences, even briefly described here, might be of help to someone. Even one person would be good. Of course I must point out here that I'm not a therapist or doctor so the advice I give is just my own thoughts on the subject. My struggle is personal to me and everyone is different. But some things seem to occur for all of us. So if this resonates with people then that's great and I really hope it helps.

I suffer from mental health problems. This doesn't mean I'm nuts. Rather it means that I look at things, handle things and process things in a different way to most people. These forms of muppetry are General and Social Anxiety disorder, Body Dysmorphia and Depression. At points in my life they have all been debilitating, grinding me to a halt and creating long gaps while I put the wheels back on and remember where I was supposed to be going. In the early days I didn't understand any of this and it just made things worse. The anxiety would go up, usually trigger the Body Dysmorphia and the symptom was depression (which I have learned is a state of indecisiveness where your world and your options start shrinking by the day, often with no sign of hope in sight).

Now I know that none of this is a disease or my brain hasn't turned to sponge, it's many things that all actually make sence - personality, environment, friends and family, life-rules and other auto behaviour, experiences, being an empath and an over protective sub-conscious among other things (and a lot of crap about judgement). So then deciding that my calling and passion was art and all things creative could be seen as one of the worst, dumbest decisions I've made. But any artist (author, musician or creative person) knows that there never really was a decision to be made at all because this is what you are, what you are good at, what you enjoy and most likely what you were meant to do. The thing that gives your life meaning and fulfilment!

The problem with being creative, which I only understood once I'd started, is that these things put you out there in the big wide, scary world for everyone to see and of course judge you. You're showing people your likes and passions, your skill level, your ideas and to a degree your personality and they get to tell you what they think - and not always in a good way! So if you have anxiety, depression or poor self esteem then art is tough and can act as a trigger and that's before all the little insecurities of art show themselves. Stuff like self-doubt (am I doing this right?), second guessing (could I have done this better?), Imposter Syndrome (I shouldn't be here and people are going to find out), comparing yourself to others (they're much better than me) and perfectionism (why isn't it better? why doesn't it match the image in my head?) I'm sure everyone has gone and still goes through these things. They don't just go away. It takes a lot of time and effort to look at them differently. Personally I think some of them are actually useful if you don't blow them out of proportion. That's not a criticism because anxiety does that. But thinking about ways of improving and looking at other people's work for inspiration is a good thing. It helps you to strive to do better.

The trick is not to take things to far and think that you have to be better than everyone else. If you are like me then you've been through (or may be are going through right now) a phase where you hate your work. Everyone else's work is better than yours, even the cat. You could have done all your old stuff better and you're just not good enough! What am I doing? This isn't working! And what I want to say is - that this is perfectly normal! There's nothing drastically wrong here. It's your brain being over protective and past experiences and rules you set yourself a long time ago to deal with the world then still being in effect but not relating to how things are now. When things aren't running smoothly and you are feeling low it's difficult to have faith but know that no matter how crappy you can feel about your art it will actually make you stronger in the long run. It doesn't feel like it but it will.

Everyone has their fare share of fans and critics too. You will be regarded as better than someone who you think is awesome and worse than you someone you think is terrible. One of the 'truths' that I have come to accept is that everyone can make art, regardless of ability, skill level or technique, and that there is always someone, somewhere who will love your art and love it enough to buy it. And parting with money is the biggest compliment someone can give a lot of the time and the best validation. Another important thing to bare in mind is that you can't control other people's thoughts and reactions or what they like and no matter how good your work is someone out there isn't going to like it. And sometimes their reason might be difficult for you accept. But none of this makes going through these phases any easier and anxiety and depression have a way of making you think that what you are experiencing, no matter how bad, is the absolute truth and will never change. Listening to other people tell you it's a phase or a symptom of something you are going through doesn't always help you let go and forget about it.

So if it helps then take it from me and all the people and sources I have used to help me that this is normal for around 95% or us. Something they have gone through and something that comes back every now and then. Sometimes you have to trust that what you are feeling isn't the truth but just your perception of the world around you and your art based upon how you are feeling right now. It's like wearing out of focus sun glasses instead of prescription normal glasses. Wearing one you can't see clearly and everything is dark and dull but put on your spanking new specs and you can see clearly and everything is brighter and further than before. It's important to remember that whatever it is it's not always and not for ever. As if to prove it to you, one day someone will come up to you and tell you that they think your best work is the one you hate the most.

Everyone's struggle through mental health and the insecurities of being creative is different and personal. The causes and symptoms are varied and often run very deep. The time it takes for people to deal with them can be weeks, months, years or even decades. If I could offer any advice it would be to try and understand what's causing your underlying problem because understanding is key. Knowing what's going on, why and where it came from is liberating. I can't stress this enough. Just knowing in itself can help beyond measure. That 'eureka' moment of understanding will make you feel happier than you have for a long time. For this I would recommend CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy, hypnosis and best of all, someone who understands Life Rules and can explain them to you. For me this was perhaps one of, if not 'the' pivitol thing in my healing so far. Accept that you may not be able to eliminate all your anxieties but you can reframe them and cope with them so they are no longer the problem you thought they were and that anxiety is there for a reason and is part of the sub-consciousness's way of looking after you. Remember too that your art, imagination and creativity are unique and you will have plenty of fans even if you don't realise it.

Enjoy your art, be proud of it and most importantly be kind to yourself.!

Best of luck!

Further reading and help

CBT

Cognative Behavioural Therapy

Hypnotherapy

There are different types so it's worth finding the type and therapist that suits you best.

Life Rules

Find someone who knows what they are and can explain them to you.

'OPEN WHEN'...

A book by Dr Julie Smith about coping and understanding anxiety.

Very helpful!

(ISBN 978-0-241-66393-6)

'THE BROKEN MIRROR'

A book about BDD or Body Dysmorphic Disorder by Katherine A. Phillips, M.D.

(ISBN 0-19-512126-0)